Who Am I?

Who am I? No matter how much I think I know myself, I still at times wonder, who am I? Where do these thoughts come from? Why does it seem like such a struggle at times, and at others I haven't a care in the world?

I've been reading the thoughts of others lately posted on some of the blogs I visit, and I'm amazed at some of the conviction I "hear" in their words. Me, I'm never thoroughly convinced. I have to go back over "it," over and over. I read once that is how we learn, especially as children, through redundancy. My life cycle at times is definitely redundant. My guy E has taken to threatening me that he's going to post a comment on this blog when redundant M comes by for a visit. (At least it's just a visit.) But it makes me wonder - who am I? I'm fascinating, the multitude of emotions and thoughts that reside within and emanate from me. I'm a walking, talking paradox.

It's not that I lack conviction, just simply seem to change my mind a lot. So many things in life appear meaningless to me - and finding meaning in one's life is what brings it happiness. And I really wouldn't say I'm unhappy - really I'm not - but definitely unsettled. There are so many things "out there" to try and do I can't just pick one. Has anyone ever asked you to pick your favorite..(fill in the blank)? Impossible! Ask me on a Monday and you're sure to get a different answer that Saturday, or Thursday for that matter.

At least underneath it all I believe lies a foundation built solidly upon certain fundamentals: I want to love and be loved (especially by E), I want to share compassion and grace in the world, I want to be generous and gracious, I want to care about others, maybe even more than I care about myself. I want to do productive work that adds value to the world. I want to add creativity and beauty to the world...

So I suppose when I start asking myself who I am, I always have that to go back to - not a bad start. I guess I'm just wanting to know about the finished product - and suddenly as I write this I realize that will never happen. I'll never be finished, I am my own great work in progress, and like the seasons bring changes to the life cycle so too they bring changes in my life, perpetually and eternally.

So, who am I? Why, I'm just me. Peace.

Doing Things Differently

Most of us have probably read somewhere sometime about how to turn something into a habit. Yet still, taking that first step is so scary. We get so used to doing it the way we've always done it. Goodness, as an organizational change agent, I wish I had a dollar for everytime someone has said to me "that's the way we've always done it!" And yet, even when we know it doesn't quite work for us anymore, we find ourselves immobilized in making the necessary change. Trust me, I'm as guilty of this as the next guy. However, for those who have been reading my posts, the great change that has been coming over me keeps rolling along, and this morning I decided it was time to do things differently. And guess what, it really wasn't as scary as I thought. Of course, I've learned in life that most things are worse in my mind than in the reality. Once I commit and just do it, well, it nevers seems so bad and the change it brings is so more rewarding and fulfilling. And still, I forget.

So, this morning, rather than turn on the tube so I could escape, I sat in the early morning darkness with myself and just thought about what I wanted to change. Well, keeping the telly off is one big start. It's so easy to get lost in it's thoughtless provoking void. Later, I was graced with Sting's Brand New Day which led me further into my change. It's always amazed me how you will find what you need as and when you need it. So, as Sting sings (and I paraphrase) "turn the clock to zero honey, let's sell all our stuff and spend all the money, starting up a brand new day. turn the clock to zero jack, I know that we can make it back, thinking in a brand new way."

Today, think in a brand new way. Make the change. Do things differently. All you need to do is turn the clock to zero and take the first step. It's a big one, but good journeys always are. Peace.