Reframe, Rethink

I’ve been thinking about those ghosts of the past again lately, and just how much they interfere with our becoming fully realized, how much they shadow us and many times even unbeknownst to us lead us into decisions that we later regret, or wonder how we got there. For me one of the great shadows is anger. At times I can find myself getting angry at the simplest of things. Luckily, I also quickly acknowledge it and get over myself, but it’s that initial jolt that I have trouble bypassing…it’s kind of like when you see a snake and your first thought is to jump and scream, but then you want to go back and try to see it up close.

I’ve come to understand that those anger issues are fear based, that whatever it is at that moment I am scared that either I’ve failed, I’m not good enough, smart enough, cute enough, etc., etc. Kind of like thinking “oh, they don’t like me.” So I’ve been working hard on reframing my thinking, and consciously looking for those triggers so that I can see them differently. It has helped me let go of a lot of crap that was bogging me down and holding me back from real enjoyment. What I’m realizing is that all those ghosts from the past don’t get to define me today – actually, they never really got to define me, I just let them. But today, I get to decide what’s right for me, I get to see myself as worthy of love, getting and giving it, I am the one manifesting my destiny. And when I think about those ghosts, I wish them all well and send them on their way with love.

It’s the same with those I now encounter. I have not control over what they think. It’s for them to work on. All I can do is wish them all the best, and send them on their way with love. In doing so, I find the fear goes with them, and what a wonderful peace that comes over me, and I believe even emanates from me. It sure feels good.

So when you find something or someone getting under your skin and raising your blood pressure, turn it around, and ask yourself what is it within you that is causing that response, and change that – it’s all we have. I guarantee you that you will find yourself much more at peace and things just won’t seem so bad. Peace.

I’m Not Who I Was

I’ve been going through AFGE – Another F#@king Growth Experience - since my sister-in-law passed away in April. Sheila was one of those extraordinary people that hopefully we’re all graced with once in a lifetime. She was the kind of person that made you just want to do good, be better; to make the world a little better place for having been in it (thanks Edward Bok).

In my early 20s, I had a spiritual awakening that transformed my life. I began to explore all the great spiritual philosophies, found meditation and yoga, and lived a peaceful, fulfilled life filled with the energy of the spirit. But like learning anything – a new language, playing an instrument – it takes practice to get good. Somewhere along the way the pressures of the world walled me in and I forgot. And it made me angry. I became resentful, at everything. In hindsight, a lot of it had to do with my own issues about accepting I was gay. But, consequently, my ire was raised especially by those judgmental right-wing Christians. In time, I lost my faith. It died – or so I thought. Instead, I found out it was just buried, deep.

Well, something has been resurrected with Sheila’s passing. My partner E’s family members are all very devout and full of faith. Even though I saw how richly this filled their lives, I still rejected it. But cliché as it is, death makes one reflect. And reflecting on how much faith helped my family cope with the loss of our dear sister, well, it brought me back to the spirit. I say me, because the spirit is always there. It’s our choice to connect to the power and manifest its energy in our lives. You may notice I say spirit because I’m not saying what that power is – some call it god, my family call it Jesus, I’m happy with spirit, the spirit of the universe.

So, getting to the point, in the words of Brandon Heath – I’m not who I was.

Gone are the judgments. Gone is the anger. Gone is the fear.

Back is a concern for others. I’ve gotten better at listening and observing, instead of trying to get my point across. Because, you see, it really just doesn’t matter all that much anymore. Back is the Golden Rule.

And most importantly is the renewed appreciation and love for E. All this renewal has brought back the romance to our lives. It is so important that we live a life filled with romance – stick a love note in his wallet, or under the pillow. Spontaneous dancing when a great love song comes on. Write a poem, not worrying about whether it’s good or not – fill it with your words of love. Do it now before you’re forced to do it later. Don’t end up feeling that you loved better after they’re gone than while they were here.

No, I’m not who I was.