Who Am I?

Who am I? No matter how much I think I know myself, I still at times wonder, who am I? Where do these thoughts come from? Why does it seem like such a struggle at times, and at others I haven't a care in the world?

I've been reading the thoughts of others lately posted on some of the blogs I visit, and I'm amazed at some of the conviction I "hear" in their words. Me, I'm never thoroughly convinced. I have to go back over "it," over and over. I read once that is how we learn, especially as children, through redundancy. My life cycle at times is definitely redundant. My guy E has taken to threatening me that he's going to post a comment on this blog when redundant M comes by for a visit. (At least it's just a visit.) But it makes me wonder - who am I? I'm fascinating, the multitude of emotions and thoughts that reside within and emanate from me. I'm a walking, talking paradox.

It's not that I lack conviction, just simply seem to change my mind a lot. So many things in life appear meaningless to me - and finding meaning in one's life is what brings it happiness. And I really wouldn't say I'm unhappy - really I'm not - but definitely unsettled. There are so many things "out there" to try and do I can't just pick one. Has anyone ever asked you to pick your favorite..(fill in the blank)? Impossible! Ask me on a Monday and you're sure to get a different answer that Saturday, or Thursday for that matter.

At least underneath it all I believe lies a foundation built solidly upon certain fundamentals: I want to love and be loved (especially by E), I want to share compassion and grace in the world, I want to be generous and gracious, I want to care about others, maybe even more than I care about myself. I want to do productive work that adds value to the world. I want to add creativity and beauty to the world...

So I suppose when I start asking myself who I am, I always have that to go back to - not a bad start. I guess I'm just wanting to know about the finished product - and suddenly as I write this I realize that will never happen. I'll never be finished, I am my own great work in progress, and like the seasons bring changes to the life cycle so too they bring changes in my life, perpetually and eternally.

So, who am I? Why, I'm just me. Peace.

Reframe, Rethink

I’ve been thinking about those ghosts of the past again lately, and just how much they interfere with our becoming fully realized, how much they shadow us and many times even unbeknownst to us lead us into decisions that we later regret, or wonder how we got there. For me one of the great shadows is anger. At times I can find myself getting angry at the simplest of things. Luckily, I also quickly acknowledge it and get over myself, but it’s that initial jolt that I have trouble bypassing…it’s kind of like when you see a snake and your first thought is to jump and scream, but then you want to go back and try to see it up close.

I’ve come to understand that those anger issues are fear based, that whatever it is at that moment I am scared that either I’ve failed, I’m not good enough, smart enough, cute enough, etc., etc. Kind of like thinking “oh, they don’t like me.” So I’ve been working hard on reframing my thinking, and consciously looking for those triggers so that I can see them differently. It has helped me let go of a lot of crap that was bogging me down and holding me back from real enjoyment. What I’m realizing is that all those ghosts from the past don’t get to define me today – actually, they never really got to define me, I just let them. But today, I get to decide what’s right for me, I get to see myself as worthy of love, getting and giving it, I am the one manifesting my destiny. And when I think about those ghosts, I wish them all well and send them on their way with love.

It’s the same with those I now encounter. I have not control over what they think. It’s for them to work on. All I can do is wish them all the best, and send them on their way with love. In doing so, I find the fear goes with them, and what a wonderful peace that comes over me, and I believe even emanates from me. It sure feels good.

So when you find something or someone getting under your skin and raising your blood pressure, turn it around, and ask yourself what is it within you that is causing that response, and change that – it’s all we have. I guarantee you that you will find yourself much more at peace and things just won’t seem so bad. Peace.