I’m Not Who I Was

I’ve been going through AFGE – Another F#@king Growth Experience - since my sister-in-law passed away in April. Sheila was one of those extraordinary people that hopefully we’re all graced with once in a lifetime. She was the kind of person that made you just want to do good, be better; to make the world a little better place for having been in it (thanks Edward Bok).

In my early 20s, I had a spiritual awakening that transformed my life. I began to explore all the great spiritual philosophies, found meditation and yoga, and lived a peaceful, fulfilled life filled with the energy of the spirit. But like learning anything – a new language, playing an instrument – it takes practice to get good. Somewhere along the way the pressures of the world walled me in and I forgot. And it made me angry. I became resentful, at everything. In hindsight, a lot of it had to do with my own issues about accepting I was gay. But, consequently, my ire was raised especially by those judgmental right-wing Christians. In time, I lost my faith. It died – or so I thought. Instead, I found out it was just buried, deep.

Well, something has been resurrected with Sheila’s passing. My partner E’s family members are all very devout and full of faith. Even though I saw how richly this filled their lives, I still rejected it. But cliché as it is, death makes one reflect. And reflecting on how much faith helped my family cope with the loss of our dear sister, well, it brought me back to the spirit. I say me, because the spirit is always there. It’s our choice to connect to the power and manifest its energy in our lives. You may notice I say spirit because I’m not saying what that power is – some call it god, my family call it Jesus, I’m happy with spirit, the spirit of the universe.

So, getting to the point, in the words of Brandon Heath – I’m not who I was.

Gone are the judgments. Gone is the anger. Gone is the fear.

Back is a concern for others. I’ve gotten better at listening and observing, instead of trying to get my point across. Because, you see, it really just doesn’t matter all that much anymore. Back is the Golden Rule.

And most importantly is the renewed appreciation and love for E. All this renewal has brought back the romance to our lives. It is so important that we live a life filled with romance – stick a love note in his wallet, or under the pillow. Spontaneous dancing when a great love song comes on. Write a poem, not worrying about whether it’s good or not – fill it with your words of love. Do it now before you’re forced to do it later. Don’t end up feeling that you loved better after they’re gone than while they were here.

No, I’m not who I was.